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An Interview with President Bush on the Future of the Internet(s)


Q: Mr. President, what do you see as the future of the Internet?

President Bush: Well, you see, first you gotta look at what the internets are. See, it’s inter, in other words, it’s in somethin’, and it’s a net, like in fishin’. Now, Poppy and me, we don’t use nets, we use $100,000 cigarette boats. But that doesn’t mean they’re made or paid for by cigarette companies, that’s just what they’re called. I always tell Poppy, hell, they oughtta call ‘em Jack Daniels boats, and give us several, as much of that stuff I put away in my “youthful discretion” days…heh heh heh…

Q: What do you see as the future?

President Bush: That’s a good question, the future is important. It’s when things happen that haven’t happened yet. So it’s called the future. Not the past. Now what happens in the future is important. What happened in the past isn’t important. I hope everybody remembers that. It’s like that whole WMDs thing. Water under the bridge. You know, like those bridges over the Tigris. If there are any left. Heh heh…
You’re gonna edit that part out, aren’t you? You better there, Stretch, or else you might just get a little visit from my buddy, “Albeano” Gonzales…
But I digress…See that’s a word like all those egghead know-it-alls at Yale used to use to show how smart they thought they were. Y’see, it’s made up of di, from the root word diversion, meaning to change the subject, and gress, which is from…well, I don’t know what that part comes from…could be a variation of gross. But anyway, diversion is the root word for di, I know that for sure. Diversion is a good root word. Like I was tellin’ Vice the other day…that’s Cheney, I call him Vice. I have nicknames for everybody, like “Albeano”, “Stretch”, “Egghead”, or “ItchyShoulders”, that’s what I call that German lady that is supposed to be in charge of that place.
But there I go digressin’ again! So like I was tellin’ Vice, “Vice” I says, “We got to get us a diversion before we start messin’ with Iran. But we can’t get one that goes haywire, like LBJ did with that Talcum Gulf business, or even like we did with all that talk about Iraq’s WMDeezers. We gotta get our quail in a row, before we start shootin’ lawyers in the face, you know what I mean?” And he says “Yes, Mr. President”. See, everybody has to call me “Mr. President”. Or “Sir”. I like it when they all say “Sir”.
What was your question?

Q: What do you think is the future of the internet?

President Bush: Well, you see, first you gotta get your grammar right. See, it’s internets, like more than one. All you gotta do is use that Goggle thing, or Google or whatever it is…y’know, whenever anybody talked about that, I thought they were talking about something Arnie used to do with his secretaries or something, you know Arnie, the governator of California, or Cal-ee-forn-ee-a as he calls it; foreigners are funny, aren’t they, the way they talk and all? Anyway, do that Google thing and punch in “internet” and you’ll get somethin’ like a million things about it.
So anyway, it’s internets, like more than one. See, the right question should be “What do you think are the future of the internets”. Even I know that. If it was just one internet, then you would use “is”. People say I’m not as smart as Clinton, but one thing’s for sure, I know that “is” means “is”.

Q: Thank you, Mr. President.

President Bush: You got that right.